First off, I would like to welcome myself back from hiatus. I know that both of my fans have missed me. Where have I been these past few months? Well let's see, first my band, which was fronted by a female lead singer, broke up due to the fact that it was fronted by a female lead singer. Next, I was kicked out of a metal band for being too soft, then I was kicked out of a college band for being too metal. I spent a good bit of time in court fighting my ex-wife's latest Nonzimony request. I caught up with comedian Jim Gaffigan, who signed a Sierra Mist bottle for me, which was promptly drank by one of my dumb friends. I also wasted time following two pro football teams that currently have a total of 7 wins. And finally, I've been doing heavy lifting for a whole bunch of people. Thus, the return of my rage.
But it's not all anger and indigestion. I was feeling generous and played the role of Santa Nonz to my dumb friends, including the asshole who drank my autographed Sierra Mist. I went to a store in search of an awesome samurai sword, but settled for a knife sharp enough to cut even the gristliest of Waffle House steaks. I went to the cash register, with exact change in my hand (including sales tax as calculated by my awesome math skills, because cash registers are overrated). The cash register troll then proceeds to ask for my name and phone number. I do my best attempt to blush and explain that I don't give my number to retail clerks since they're the only people who make less money than I do, but she replied with "No, sir, I have to have your phone number in order to complete the transaction."
This completely baffled me as I have $21.47 in my hand, and this money is legal tender for all debts public and private, yet they need information from me in order to sell goods and/or services? Isn't the job of retail to buy goods from wholesalers and distributors, mark up the price for my supposed convenience, and sell said goods at a healthy profit margin? What does my personal information have to do with their core mission?
They were hellbound in getting my information in order to stalk me at a future date, and I was hellbound not to go to any more stores, find any more shit, and stand in any more lines, so I conceded and gave them the information they needed. They wanted my name, phone number, and address, so I decided I would give them Bob Smash's number and address. While being Bob Smash, I sent my girlfriend to fetch a purse, tampons, a Dave Matthews CD, a pink Atlanta Falcons jersey, Bill Clinton's autobiography, an AOL CD, and an iPod, so I predict that Bob Smash will soon be the target of the gayest personalized junk mail campaign ever.
Right after leaving this store with assault weapon in hand (and my girlfriend's purchases safely in the car so that nobody could see me with those items), I went next door to HairMasters to get a haircut and look less like one of the Beatles. They also wanted my phone number and information, but at this point I was tired of my privacy being not only invaded, but flat out raped. I took a step back and said "HairMasters….Masters of poop!" and left.
These marketing fascists won't even attempt to reward us by setting up a discount program in exchange for our purchasing information, and instead decide to extend the time of monetary transactions even worse than the use of a Visa check card. But to beat this, do what I do. Use somebody else's information to buy what you need, then never go back. The only reason you should give out your address to buy anything is if they're going to ship it to your house so you don't even have to go these fucking stores. Fight the raping of consumer privacy.