Forget banning gays from the military. Ban the assholes.
My primary area of partying is right next to a military base. Coming from a military family, I have nothing against our armed forces...or at least 99.9% of them. I do have a problem with these GI's and their tramp-stamped girlfriends (tramp-stamp = tailbone tattoo, just look at or smell the girls that have them) who dress up for a ball of some sort, and then parade themselves through the bars in the area while looking down at the normal population who obviously are not going to be dressed to impress. They come in, dressed like they just came from the prom and look down their noses at people who are trying to drink or have a good time, but looking down their noses makes it harder for them to see my fist crashing into their face. I don't get how the bar owners can let them get away with that. They don't come in and order drinks. All they do is walk around, shoot smug glances, and leave. If I were one of those bar owners, I'd post the following nifty sign at the front door. "If you are dressed like you just came from the prom, then go home and put on some clothes that won't be ruined by spilled beer. If you really want to be 18 again, then turn around and go drink some beers in the woods like regular 18-year-olds, because you have to be 21 to get into this bar. And if you're an asshole, then don't bother entering because you will likely get your ass kicked by our ex-military bouncers. - Management"
I can't stand people like that. All they are trying to do is relive their glory years in high school when they were popular but before they realized they were dumbasses. They graduate with a 2.5 or less, join the Army to avoid a wonderful career in fast food, and then walk around thinking that they're better than everybody else. Newsflash: If you were better than me, you wouldn't be in your dress uniform at a shitty bar trying to prove something. I don't mind people pursuing the military route as a springboard for great career aspirations or out of genuine love for this country, but it's pathetic to think that losers can join the military as an "easy way out" and all of a sudden not be worthless. If you were worthless going in, you're still worthless now, so just do your time and maybe one day you can go to college and apply yourself since you were too ignorant to give a fuck in high school. Don't act like your E4 rank has negated your 4 years of goofing off in high school.
This is what I propose to do with the military when I become President or take over the world:
1. Let the gays back in the military, but boot them if they are found guilty of attempted lovin'. Chris Rock put it best that if they want to fight, let them fight. Whatever keeps the draft from coming back.
2. Raise the enlistment bonus and pay scales, but only apply the raises to people who are not idiots. Give extra incentives for intelligent people join the enlisted ranks. At the same time, cut the bonuses and pay of idiots to compensate the increased payments.
3. Make it illegal for the military ball clowns to go off-base to any public area after 8pm. If caught, the tramp-stamps are banned from the base, and the soldier is inserted in the asshole category.
4. The asshole category. This includes the military ball bar-hoppers, people who try to pick fights for no reason, soldiers who look down their nose at any civilian, soliders that pick up on high school girls, soldiers who buy Hummers but can't afford the gas for them, and any solider who gets arrested for anything involving alcohol. A lesser man might say "Send them off to police the world and hope they catch a bullet," but I have a better idea. Give them the complete shit jobs, both here and abroad depending on how often they are offenders of asshole policy. First-timers can clean toilets, scrub walls and ceilings, and surrender their weekends for guard duty stateside, and if they don't learn their lesson, then ship 'em on out to do the same shitty work but in a foreign country.
I would make a kickass general. Send me some more ideas on how to properly use our military and they might go up here.
Back to how I kick too much ass to join the Army...