How DVR temporarily saved my sanity.
That's right bitches, I'm back. You may wonder what happened to me, and I'll be honest with you. I became a slave to DVR.
For the technologically impaired, let me explain the awesomeness of DVR to you. You can record anything you want and watch it later, and you can fast forward through commercials. I don't even know if Visa has any more commercials that push their conspiracy that paying through credit card is faster than cash, or if Helio is still in business. Frankly, I don't give a shit. The only commercials I've watched in the past 6 months were at the Super Bowl, and that was only to laugh at the billions of dollars wasted by corporate America to get the morons of society to buy their shit.
And I can change the channel to a show I want to watch, and walk away and do something awesome for the length of time that commercials would take up (roughly 8 minutes for every 30 minutes of programming). One day I spotted a Family Guy marathon, so I set it on that channel and hit pause, got in my SUV, generated enough CO2 for a small country on my way to a peace-at-any-price rally, sprayed beef juice at the crowd (because all hippy protesters are vegetarians and beef juice makes them break out in crying fits), ran over a bum with a McCain badge, burned some Ron Paul signs while they were in the hands of supporters, went home, banged my girlfriend, cooked a steak and some nachos, brewed some beer, and then had a great meal while watching 3 hours of Family Guy while skipping through commercials.
Not only can I skip through commercials, but I can skip through any kind of stupidity that I feel coming. I can record American Idol and skip the whole thing since nothing intelligent is ever said by anybody on that show. The same with the news whenever they interview average joes about complicated subjects. If they breathe through their mouth, have a cigarette, are about to bitch about their apartment burning down and having nothing at all because they were too dumb to get renters' insurance, or are wearing The North Face or sandals, I know that they won't have anything intelligent to say, and I can skip that too.
Now, some people refer to DVR as TiVo, like all DVR's are TiVo's. This is similar to people referring to all adhesive bandages as BandAids, all gelatin desserts as Jello, and, the most annoying of all, all the Southern idiots referring to every tasty carbonated non-alcoholic beverage as Coke. Coke is so overrated. Faygo is infinitely tastier and half the price. Half of the money spent on Coke goes to pay their 3 billion employees and their massive advertising budget. Screw that.
Where was I? Oh yeah, TiVo is only one type of DVR: gay. They have a stupid TV logo, cutesy vomit-inducing sound effects, and the functionality reminds me of playing a Playstation 3 using only my left ring finger, my wiener, and my big toe. And TiVo owners are the worst. They throw around the TiVo name like they're in some exclusive club, the club of people who can record programs and watch them later, which is only everybody since most people have either DVR service or a VCR stored somewhere. TiVo may have been the first DVR out there, but that doesn't make them the best, and anybody who mentions the word TiVo in a positive light is either a TiVo owner or too dumb to distinguish between TiVO and DVR, and in either case, they should be stabbed in their right buttcheek.
Back to watching a baseball game without commercials or between-pitch banter, which takes a total of 40 minutes.